Not far from my elementary school, my friend unfolded the pages of a magazine. For the first time, my eyes gazed Playboy.
Shortly afterward, the internet gained popularity. And before I even understood the concept of addiction, I developed an addiction to pornography.
Years later this struggle would help transform our church into a place where honest confession, accountability, and repentance could take place.
Honest about my struggles with porn and other sins, I sought accountability and forgiveness. Since then, our church has multiplied five times over. It has become filled with open, honest people who are begging to be held accountable by each other. Forgiveness is triumphantly sweeping through our attendees’ lives, and maturity is skyrocketing.
How can you create a culture where individuals desire accountability? I suggest four crucial elements:
Hate Fake Church.
Many churches talk about being authentic.
For most, it’s more of a catchphrase than a lifestyle. Ministries where I used to work had people who sinned, of course.
But until the sin was blatantly obvious, it wasn’t really shared or dealt with. Because, most times, the consequences for confessing sin were too costly.
One church, where I was the worship pastor, fired the senior pastor after he confessed his sin. I was furious. If we as Christians dismiss those who confess sin, we are essentially insisting that everyone hide their transgressions.
If you desire to lead an open and honest church, begin by developing a hatred for fake church.
Be Honest with Your Struggles, and Teach Mercy, Publicly and Often.
It’s risky. Dangerous. Scandalous, even. But, if you want to become a mature church that regularly eradicates sin — those sins have to be exposed to the light. And, bringing sin to light begins with leadership.
The senior pastor must begin to share his or her struggles, often.
Sermons
During my sermons — in front of everyone — I will frequently mention that I have an app on my phone that reports every website I visit to my wife and accountability partner.
Why? “So I don’t look at porn.” If saying that from the stage would surprise your church, chances are you haven’t been very open about your own struggles in front of your church.
Instead of being the perfected hero of every story, let us lead by example and make it clear that our church culture will be about confession, forgiveness, and accountability.
New Guest Class
In our welcome class for new guests, I tell them plainly, “You’ve done some pretty terrible stuff. You’ve got awful things in your past that you are ashamed of. … In fact, I know you’ve thought things you haven’t even told anyone about, because it’s so bad!”
At this point their eyes are wide.
I follow up, “I know this because I’m the same way. We believe in UNTAMED MERCY here — mercy and love that is wild and passionate. I can’t wait to find out what you’ve done, so we can say, ‘WE FORGIVE YOU!’”
“If you come to this church, don’t expect perfect pastors. Expect humans who God has put in leadership. We sin. I’ve got terrible sin in my past. And, if you ever find out what it is, you’ve gotta forgive me too.”
There is a visual change in their posture.
They relax.
They smile.
Some of them cry.
The precedent has been set.
Train Others to Share Their Struggles, Often.
It’s not merely the pastor who has to share, however. It’s every leader, at every level — especially small group leaders.
Small Group Training
Small group training is one of the best places to reiterate, again and again, that leaders MUST be AUTHENTIC. Teach this truth. Drive it home with stories of people who confess and have repented.
Catchphrases Reinforce Culture
Make acronyms and rhymes about it.
One acronym we have is FIASCO (the A is Authentic, S is Straightforward). A catchphrase we use weekly is untamed mercy. And, anyone who has been to our church more than six months will have heard Jude 1:2 so often it is memorized without effort: “Mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance.”
Eventually, church culture begins to form around these understandings. For example, encouraging people to have, and be, “jerk friends” is one of my favorite catchphrases at Revolution Church (a “jerk friend” being someone who cares enough about our welfare to confront us with honest, sometimes difficult, truths).
No one can recite a 45-minute sermon about forming honest, close, accountability focused friendships.
But, they can remember two words.
In a sermon, sometimes – right before a difficult point – I’ll just say, “I’m gonna be a jerk friend for a second. Can I do that?”
Not only have I made them realize the next point of my sermon is important, I’ve also driven home the culture of jerk friends at our church.
And, eventually — after repeating such phrases until you’re sick of them — others will internalize the concepts.
A couple weeks ago, someone in my small group broke down and said, “I need some more jerk friends!”
Beautiful.
Make Confessors Heroes
When people share their sin and repent, make them heroes.
When you lead trainings, tell their stories. Preach sermons, and make videos celebrating God’s work in them! And, remember, heroes are those who admit struggle, as much as those who overcome it.
It doesn’t always have to be large-scale sharing, such as a sermon.
If you’re in a small group where someone admits a sin, may I humbly suggest you get off your butt, walk to them, put your arm around them and, looking them in the eye, say, “Thank you for sharing that.” Hug them. Tell the rest of group, “This is what we’re all about!”
This has to be our mindset. Some people are still struggling, but if they’ve stepped into the light – they’re halfway there. CELEBRATE THIS!
A few quick caveats if you plan on sharing people’s stories publicly:
- You must obtain permission. This is their struggle to share, not yours. So, if you want to celebrate their story make sure they (and their family) want it celebrated. And, always ask privately with plenty of time for the decision. Never put someone on the spot. Never ask from the stage!
- Keep in mind this is a spiritual battle. When someone is a public face for admitting sin, Satan would love to take them down. Support them even more, if you share. And, as best as you can, choose believers who are standing on solid ground.
- Don’t cause collateral damage. A husband who recently confessed his porn use may be happy to share, but what about his wife? Kids? While it really is a beautiful story, often the battle is fresh and embarrassing for others. Be careful with the how, when, and if you should share these stories.
Practice Untamed Mercy Habitually.
If you’re going to admit your struggles — and encourage other leaders to do the same — the culture in your church must be able to support such a system. Lead your church to love “untamed mercy” (which is looking forward to offering the same radical forgiveness that God gives us).
Don’t Remove Leaders for Sin
The default in most churches is to fire or let go of people when they confess. Even volunteer leaders. But, with a few exceptions, if someone is repentant why would we remove them from their position of leadership? True, Titus 1:6 says leaders must be “blameless.” But complete blamelessness simply doesn’t exist in humans. My understanding of this verse is threefold:
(1) it implies someone whose life, in general, is upright;
(2) it eliminates those without spiritual maturity from leadership;
(3) when sin occurs, confession and repentance are evident.
Don’t believe the lie that leadership requires perfection. Rather promote the truth that leadership requires regular confession and repentance.
Habitual Healing
James 5 tells us that healing comes from confessing our sin. Promote a philosophy within your church that inspires habitual healing, rather than following the tendency to punish those who reveal too much.
Conclusion
If you are willing to create a culture of confession, accountability, and repentance, holiness can rise up in any church. The only alternative is a fake church where people hide their sins.
But, it begins with leaders. It starts with you — and your willingness to be honest.
